Well, it's been a while. It's my birthday.

Yea, It's been 4 years. I think I might start keeping this journal updated again. Might as well. I'm at work right now freezing my ass off. It's so ridiculously cold in here. In the last 4 years so much has happened. I graduated college, substitute taught for a while. I found out I have SVT which is a heart condition and an irregular heart beat. I also found out that I'm bipolar since I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a while now. He has me on Lamictal and Xanax for it. I dated Johnny for two years, and he ended up breaking my heart. It sucks... He made it really hard for me to trust other people, and it's also hard because he was my best friend for so long. I find myself sometimes just thinking about things - like the good memories, and it makes me sad. But - the good memories always stand out more than the bad ones, that's for sure. I need to remember all the times we fought. How he screwed me over right when I was graduating college, emotionally cheated on me for some bitch that I KNEW HE WAS but he couldn't admit it. He didn't even come to my graduation. But sometimes I still cry about it, it's like grief. Once you have loved someone, even if they hurt you terribly, when you lose them, you still get those sad feelings sometimes. Putting so much of yourself into something and having it fall apart. I lost almost all my friends. Allura, Hannah, Kevin, etc... that whole little group. I was pushed out. I realize now how stuck up and immature they are, but it stills hurts. Especially Allura. She was my best friend in the whole world... My "soul sister" and it was so easy for her to just tell me to lose her number, leave her the fuck alone, and tell me her life is less stressful without me in it. I don't even remember what made her so mad... Honestly. I was feeling left out, and I guess I made things like a "pity party". "It's always a pity party for Lacey." I cannot control my emotions. I wish people realized mental illnesses are the same as any other kind of illness. I didn't ask for it, I don't want it. It ruins a lot for me. They all don't like my boyfriend for some reason, even Andrew who is the only one who still talks to me... But I feel some type of way towards him for disliking someone who did nothing wrong to him... Chris treats me better than I've ever been treated. I am supposedly his first love, and a lot of his firsts, and it excites and scares me at the same time. I am so afraid of getting hurt that sometimes I distance myself. I have such a hard time believing people's words because their actions have exceedingly proven otherwise. He got me a promise ring for my birthday, promising that he won't break my heart. I'm usually the heart breaker anyways because I'm such a mess. I don't want to hurt him though, unless he lies to me or I learn I cant trust him. That's the only thing that would break us apart. The only time he ever lied was when he promised he wasn't watching porn anymore, then I found it in his browser history. He admitted he had a problem and was ashamed about it and that's why he didn't tell me, that's why he lied. I just don't wanna be lied to anymore, ever... I really love him though. I hope it's for real this time... I guess I haven't been the best either. I finally realized that I am truly bisexual/pansexual. I have always found women attractive, and when I was in college I had sex with a girl and absolutely loved it. I've just never been in a relationship with another girl before. He found out I was like having these fantasies about women. Right now I feel kind of scared. I wish I knew why. I'm still trying to find myself entirely. This was such a word ramble. I need to practice journaling again. Until next time.