Well, it's been a while. It's my birthday.

Yea, It's been 4 years. I think I might start keeping this journal updated again. Might as well. I'm at work right now freezing my ass off. It's so ridiculously cold in here. In the last 4 years so much has happened. I graduated college, substitute taught for a while. I found out I have SVT which is a heart condition and an irregular heart beat. I also found out that I'm bipolar since I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a while now. He has me on Lamictal and Xanax for it. I dated Johnny for two years, and he ended up breaking my heart. It sucks... He made it really hard for me to trust other people, and it's also hard because he was my best friend for so long. I find myself sometimes just thinking about things - like the good memories, and it makes me sad. But - the good memories always stand out more than the bad ones, that's for sure. I need to remember all the times we fought. How he screwed me over right when I was graduating college, emotionally cheated on me for some bitch that I KNEW HE WAS but he couldn't admit it. He didn't even come to my graduation. But sometimes I still cry about it, it's like grief. Once you have loved someone, even if they hurt you terribly, when you lose them, you still get those sad feelings sometimes. Putting so much of yourself into something and having it fall apart. I lost almost all my friends. Allura, Hannah, Kevin, etc... that whole little group. I was pushed out. I realize now how stuck up and immature they are, but it stills hurts. Especially Allura. She was my best friend in the whole world... My "soul sister" and it was so easy for her to just tell me to lose her number, leave her the fuck alone, and tell me her life is less stressful without me in it. I don't even remember what made her so mad... Honestly. I was feeling left out, and I guess I made things like a "pity party". "It's always a pity party for Lacey." I cannot control my emotions. I wish people realized mental illnesses are the same as any other kind of illness. I didn't ask for it, I don't want it. It ruins a lot for me. They all don't like my boyfriend for some reason, even Andrew who is the only one who still talks to me... But I feel some type of way towards him for disliking someone who did nothing wrong to him... Chris treats me better than I've ever been treated. I am supposedly his first love, and a lot of his firsts, and it excites and scares me at the same time. I am so afraid of getting hurt that sometimes I distance myself. I have such a hard time believing people's words because their actions have exceedingly proven otherwise. He got me a promise ring for my birthday, promising that he won't break my heart. I'm usually the heart breaker anyways because I'm such a mess. I don't want to hurt him though, unless he lies to me or I learn I cant trust him. That's the only thing that would break us apart. The only time he ever lied was when he promised he wasn't watching porn anymore, then I found it in his browser history. He admitted he had a problem and was ashamed about it and that's why he didn't tell me, that's why he lied. I just don't wanna be lied to anymore, ever... I really love him though. I hope it's for real this time... I guess I haven't been the best either. I finally realized that I am truly bisexual/pansexual. I have always found women attractive, and when I was in college I had sex with a girl and absolutely loved it. I've just never been in a relationship with another girl before. He found out I was like having these fantasies about women. Right now I feel kind of scared. I wish I knew why. I'm still trying to find myself entirely. This was such a word ramble. I need to practice journaling again. Until next time.

where am i

This is probably the most unhappiest I have been in my entire life. I have absolutely NOTHING good going for me in the slightest. To top off these series of unfortunate events, I feel as if I'm seriously starting to lose my mind. I'm so depressed I want to do nothing but sleep all day. I've separated myself from the world because I feel it wants nothing to do with me, and I have nothing in common with it or anyone for that matter. Lately the kind of thoughts I discover floating through my head scare the shit out of me. I don't understand why I feel like I don't belong here, like I'm from another fucking planet.
This year... this horrid shit sack of a semester.. I have been sick non stop. Ear infections, fevers, dizziness, sinus infection, chest cold, headache. it NEVER stops. I hang out with no one and do nothing except smoke pot, do homework, read, write, and think. THINK THINK THINK. All my friends back home have proved themselves to be a fake waste of so many years. I honestly have grown to hate them for what they have become. Selfish, Self Indulged, Fake, Uncaring lies. Maybe I just hate the world.
I'm broke all the time, it's always raining and I have no shoes. I can't afford shoes.
I still feel uncomfortable with my roommates, maybe it's just people in general.
I don't understand Chemistry. why is everything tumbling down?
I'M COMPLAINING ABOUT MY LIFE ON A BLOG LIKE A WHINEY LITTLE TEENAGER
The biggest thing, the worst thing, the reason I want to crawl into a hole and sleep for eternity; I feel so alone. Would anyone in this world be able to comprehend the fucked up poetry I write and the weird questions I have? Would anyone in the world relate to my view of people and view of myself?
Im sitting in this cold white room, with a closet full of clothes I never wear cause I feel fat and exposed in most of them. This quiet room my possessions, sticky tack on the walls where I took down pictures that made me want to cry. This cold white room in this cold white house, my cold white hands are shaking
as i explode inside.

updates..

Hmmm. Summer. As of lately I've just been working a lot, hanging out with random people every now and then, sitting around the house. fun times. 0_o
Guess I've been hanging out with Aaron and Andrew and Rachel and Shelby a lot lately. I really prefer to stay out of the drama of our little group of friends as much as possible. It's all so annoying half the time I feel like we're all still in highschool. I just don't get involved in the bullshit anymore, I don't let stuff bother me, I've realized it's better to just surround myself with a variety of people that I enjoy being around. I really miss Mindy. =[ We were together like every day. I really miss Josie, Chelse, David, just seeing the Edinboro folk. I need to stop smoking and getting the munchies and devouring sweet stuff. it's not good for the amount of diabletes that runs in my family. Smoking definitely has been helping this summer out though, thats for sure haha. Don't think I'll ever stop, honestly.
Went to Splash Lagoon the other day, actually went all the way to Erie, Yes! how Shocking right?! :P
Amanda had a fun party a couple weeks ago. umm... I walked to Mcdonalds with Rachel and Aaron today. Got a cat ridiculously. high haha I painted my toenails black for the first time in forever. I got another tattoo with Andrew a couple weeks ago, "live your own life follow your own star."
I'm actually feeling tired right now. It feels good.

Someone Please Knock Me Out.

I want this summer to end. Now. I feel like I'm going to end up physically and mentally exploding. If I could just curl into a fucking cocoon and hibernate I would do it in a second. It's my second day home and I already can't stand it here. I got invited to go an hour away to a dance club with friends I havent spent time with in forever. Of course the second i mention it my mom gets this bitchy look on her face. "oh this summer's starting off great." HA you told me... this morning she woke me up once and asked me to go walmart with her, I fell back asleep. Didn't ask again. i woke up and she was gone so I cleaned the house cause that's all my dad cares that I do. That's all he ever says to me when I'm home "bla bla bla you need to clean.. bla bla bla you're selfish you need to help around the house." while my brother sits his ass on the computer all day. My mom gets home from Walmart, slams around and pouts. Shuts herself in her room all day and doesn't talk to me. My dad comes home and calls me selfish and only caring for myself because I didnt wake up the first time she asked me. IF ANYONES SELFISH ITS NOT ME. All they care about is shit that will make them happy.I say Im gonna go with my friends to Erie, they gang up on me saying I should care about others feelings. I'm a horrible person for making my mom worry while I go and have some fun while I'm young. I leave and gets texts threatening me. Saying "You will suffer the consequences for you decisions." I told her how ridiculous it was watching everyones parents say "bye be careful have fun!" while my psycho mom is threatening me and telling me to come home or else. She doesnt reaalize how much she pushes me away. All my life. "You don't care about me, you don't text me enough." Im home and up her ass 24/7. Every one of my friends notices how much bullshit I put up with, but it's all me. I ended up not going because I was in tears and didn't want to ruin their time. She's no longer angry of course she got her effing way. But I can't be upset, GOD FORBID. she's already pissed that I didn't say I was happy to be home enough. WONDER WHHHHYYYYYYY. "You've been in a bad mood this whole week." HMM MAYBE BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND OF ALMOST 4 YEARS BROKE UP WITH ME. Im going insane. I have honestly considered just downing a bottle of pills. I can't live my own life, if I do something wrong she'll end up going crazy and ending up in the hospital again. They dont realize how good they have it with me, any other 20 year old child would have told them to fuck off already. I can't even express how angry I am right now, I want these months to just vanish from existence. Or spend them so doped up on anti depressants I don't care about a thing. shit. I HATE My LIFE.


'im alright
i tell my self twice
in the mirror before i can't go to sleep at night
i need a lullaby, i need some time,
i need to get a dime bag from my guy'-eve6

just little random updates.

I spent the weekend at home cause I'm feeling pretty lonely at school, even though I'm lonely at home sometimes too in a twisted way. My roommate hasn't slept in the room in weeks, which I don't necessarily hate because I like privacy, but after two of my best friends dropped out it would be nice to have someone in the room while I sleep.
I worked 12-7 today at KFC, my feet are way out of shape. Standing for 7 hours almost killed me but the pay check will be nice.
So I figured out I'm going to be getting an apartment next year with a couple girls named Josie and Chelse. I've been hanging out with Josie a lot the past couple weeks, and when Chelse and I do hang out we usually get along well and laugh at people which is always fun. I think it will turn out alright, I'm sure our house will be quite relaxing. :P . Andrew and David stopped by yesterday to surprise me. I was super excited. I miss them so much... even though Andrew was a whiney pissy bitch the last month he was there, it still sucks cause I thought I would graduate college with the best friend that I've had since 2nd grade.
So I'm waiting on a call from Dav which probably won't happen. When he is in Warren he goes back to his stupid careless ways because I'm not the only person he knows so he thinks it's ok to blow me off and just apologize for it. Not so much. I remember everything and it's always in the back of my mind when I think about my future.
I'm laying in bed right now and my eyes are watering so bad from staring at this screen cause it's so bright. Tears are coming out the sides of my eyes, but I like it for some reason. it makes me feel like I'm cleaning out my tear ducts or something without being sad. The hamster is running on it's wheel really loudly and dav just messaged me on facebook. off to go be bitchy.

bitchfest!

Ever have one of those days where everyone you see you want to punch in the face? Where everything you do is unfulfilled. The food tastes like shit, the laughs feel plastic and machine-like, peoples voices give you headaches, the sun is a nuisance, the wind is annoying little 5 year old blowing in your face. Basically my day. I can't pinpoint an exact reason probably because there are about 20. I'm broke, I'm sure if I could go out and buy myself some new non ripped pants, or some milk for my munchie cereal, or anything for that matter, like spoiled bitches do it might brighten my mood. I can't schedule my classes. I'm not some super 'high class parents have thousands of dollars to throw my way every month' student, and they put a hold on my account. I'm sure every class I need is going to be filled and I'll be screwed with 8am classes I wont make it to cause I can't fall asleep til at least 4 in the morning. My mind won't let me. I barely have any true friends anymore. The kind of friends who will actually have your back. Friends you can depend on and who aren't just using you when they need you. Ones who actually call. One of the true friends I've made this year who has definitely always been there for me and had my back, rescued my ass numerous times. dropped out..
One thing that has made me happy/calmed me down/kept me sane the past couple weeks has been taken away from me also.
Yea Yea so what, I'm wallowing in self pity. Who cares, I'm allowed this is my blog. And I'm in an "I hate the world" kinda mood today. Cause the world is ugly, empty, and I'm just another one of the self pitying citizens who doesn't appreciate what they have. At least I can admit it.

Shrinking Universe

The heat feels so good. I swear that when the sun beats on my shoulders my heart just beats better, and I'm all together healthier. The lobster was also good today. My dad cooked up 6 huge red lobsters and we tore at them like animals in the backyard. I'm home for the weekend, and I do enjoy it, I just wish I could be myself at home without starting a war. I'm not going to get into it right now. I listened to A Day To Remember on the way home today with Dav, and I love that band. It sends chills down my spine, but mainly chills of memories... The couple months that we lived together feel like a distant dream. Homemade spaghetti dinners, late night trips to walmart, many "firsts", our puppy. Some of the best times of my life.
The last two weeks are a blur, I know they have been mostly good weeks with a couple bad days. The days just run together. I went to my first straight night club and got danced on by some creepy Palestinian that smiled like he'd never seen tits. I slept in. I had a very uncomfortable night that made me lose a lot of respect for certain men. I smoked lemon hookah for the first time with this boy named Brandon who drove all the way up from Pittsburgh just to smoke hookah and hang out for a few hours. My friend Elaina came up to visit a bunch of us and that was so much fun, I sincerely miss her. I spent a lot of time in the sun. Made a lot of bracelets. Painted my nails pink. Threw my back out making mac and cheese at 6 in the morning and had to be taken to the hospital. Enjoyed the pain meds they gave me. All in all, pretty damn eventful.
I've really been enjoying listening to Muse lately. They're music is especially inspiring for poetry. They probe my imagination glands. I seriously love words, music, poetry, concepts, imagination.
Last night Andrew and I went over to our friend Sean's house. We were feeling pretty fantastic. We shut off all the lights and played this jungle soundtrack on his surround sound. Shutting our eyes we seriously felt like we were in the jungle. The rain, the animals, the birds, they were everywhere. We played the sound of the ocean and saw the stars above our heads. We were laying in the sand, the foam of the ocean gently tapping our toes when the tide arose on the shore. A fire behind us was softly cracking behind us and keeping us warm between soft gusts of wind. The mind is so powerful if you let if overcome you completely and take control.
I also came up with a piece of a cheesy poem that I'm going to have to finish soon.-

i fall into the fire of your eyes,
and drown myself in overwhelming bliss.
consumed and warm my heart is twice its size,
the flaming hot desire of your kiss.

well let's hope these muscle relaxers the doctors prescribed me will help me pass out soon so I can wake up early and soak up some sunshine. night.

this will probably be deleted tomorrow.

I'm wide awake at 2:30 AM. I have class at 11. What's new right? If I were to lay here and shut my eyes, my mind would move a mile a minute. I like to deter that from happening as long as possible because I absolutely despise it. Maybe I would think about what I was thinking about the other night..

DELETE.


goodnight.

strings.

There is some kind of void in me; something's missing.
I can attempt to paint the perfect life in my head, but there's no way I could attain it.
There are too many strings attached to me I would have to cut, and I can't.
I feel so tied down. money, relationships, expectations, standards, debt, orders.
I don't want to have structure, I want to flow- I wan't to live in art and music.
Spend every waking second traveling, seeing the world, singing, painting, taking pictures, writing, exploring, discovering.
Discovering people.
Discorvering the world.
Discovering myself.
But I settle.
Settle for the small moments when I feel this sense of freedom. Small moments when I feel like myself.
Then I fall back into the "real" worlds grasp.
And tug at the strings now and then- too afraid to hurt myself, or others.
To afraid to cut myself loose.